Worst Writer's Awards

I love this contest. I plan to win it someday. Here's the winner of the 2005 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Mr. Bulwer-Lytton is the writer who wrote the line that Snoopy has stolen so many times in the Peanuts comic strip..."It was a dark and stormy night". The contest looks for the worst first lines of a fictional novel. Some of these are great. I swear, I can write this bad, I know I can.

The winners are great.

I Am Officially A Blogger...I've Been Tagged

Okay, so I had to whine for it a little, but anyway I'm tagged by Some Soldiers Mom.

The tag is "What's on my nightstand"? Well, if I were a lying blogger I would say a bowl of fresh rose petals, a signed first copy of The Grapes of Wrath, a glass of expensive French wine and a personal letter from President Bush asking for my advice on the Social Security situation. But, I cannot tell a lie. On my nightstand at this very moment is a lamp, a gold plastic whistle attached to a string that my 2-year-old nephew left here, the TV remote control, some nail clippers, an alarm clock, the box I keep my hearing aids in while I sleep, a copy of Reminisce magazine, a book titled Mark Twain-Humorous Stories and Sketches, a December 2004 issue of Reader's Digest, an opened pack of knee-highs, some dust and this framed picture of my two sons Sprout, and his older brother, Spud. Yes, that is THE Bozo the Clown from WGN in Chicago. I just love that picture.



So now I have to tag somebody, but since I have a vast audience of about...oh...3...including me, this may be difficult. I'll try tagging Sure Fire over at Pass the Brass. Tag, you're it, young whipper- snapper. This should be easy since you probably don't have a nightstand at the moment.

And maybe the cute sounding little lady blogging from Germany at Calivalleygirl. Tag, you're it. I have no idea if you read my blog, but I read yours all the time.

Like I Said...

Just to reiterate some assertions I made in my last post below, here is a quote from an article in the Associated Press about some kidnapped Algerian diplomats that Al Qaida is claiming to have killed today:

"The head of the Algerian mission Ali Belaroussi and the diplomat Azzedine Belkadi, whose government is ruling in violation of God's will, were killed," said the Internet statement.

See? These nut-cases hate others simply because they exist. Who died and made these people God?

Creeps!

Uh...Yeah. This is a Plan

World renowned professor of Thinkology and one-time actress, Jane Fonda has decided to grace this country with another one of her much loved Anti-War tours. Hey, all she is saying is give peace a chance. According to the article "I can't go into any detail except to say that it's going to be pretty exciting". You're damn straight it's gonna be exciting, especially if I happen to run across it. I've got tomatoes rotting as we speak just for the occasion.

What is this woman's problem?

Hey, Jane...leave the unresolved hatred on the therapist's couch where it belongs, okay? Take a Valium, lady. Some of us happen to like this country and we support ANY war our soldiers are sent to fight. If you don't like the reasons why we are there, you should speak up BEFORE or AFTER but not during the conflict. Peoples lives are at stake and you are making it worse. Or didn't you learn that from your last hoopla? Maybe you don't read the newspapers but London subways are being blown up by the very people you seek to support with your vegetable-oil powered brigade. The war we are fighting in Iraq is giving an innocent people a chance at a good life and us a chance at not being controlled by thugs who would like to cut off our heads because we dare to exist.

You know, during World War II, the entire country was involved in fighting that war. Food was rationed, rubber was collected, people just did without things for the "cause". We need that same spirit today. Janda Fonda needs some way to make herself feel important. Why doesn't she try sending some care packages instead of opening her mouth and annoucing to the country what a fool she is (as if we have forgotten).
Maybe she could put that vegetable oil to good use and whip up a big batch of beignets to send to the troops.

Do us all a favor, Jane. Stay home.

One Freaky Phone Call

I had an odd phone call this morning.

First, let me say that Sprout and Stoicdad sound a lot alike on the phone. So, I'm going about my usual Saturday morning routine...wake up...walk into the closet...er...tiny spare room...er...office (yeah, that's the ticket)...log on and surf a while. Stoicdad was doing his usual Saturday morning routine (I thought)...watching cartoons at the other end of the house. Well, I'm at the computer, just barely awake, wishing that Sprout still had his internet connection, which he doesn't because he had to change rooms last week and hasn't had his connection moved to the new room yet. I'm debating whether or not to call him but since it's late Saturday night in Korea, I decide not to call. Before I go any further, let me say that Sprout's 15 year old cousin, Pedro , has been spending most of the summer at our house so he is here also.

Anyway the phone rings and the call goes something like this:
(Remember...there are 3 of us on the phone: Me, Stoicdad and Pedro)

Stoicdad (who sounds like Sprout): Hey. ("Hey" is also Sprout's usual salutation when calling)

Stoicmom (who thinks she's talking to Sprout): (perkily) Hey.
(I also hear the other phone making static sounds like someone has picked up so I'm assuming it's Stoicdad in the other room).

Stoicdad: (sounding like himself) Did you talk to M yesterday? (M is Sprout's girlfriend)

Stoicmom: *says nothing* (I now recognize Stoicdad's voice and think that he is speaking to Sprout). At this time Pedro mubbles something I don't understand, but I'm thinking it's Sprout talking with a usual bad connection.

Stoicdad: (Speaking to Pedro and sounding like Sprout) Is (My Name) there?
(I'm wondering why Sprout is calling me by my first name instead of "Mom" but I figure I just misunderstood him)

Pedro: Yeah.

Stoicmom: I'm here. (Hearing the static of the other phone moving around I say...to whom I THINK is Stoicdad), Hon, I can't hear him with you on the phone too.

(Pedro, in the other room hangs up the phone).

Stoicdad: Did you talk to M yesderday?

Stoicmom: (my brain cells finally start waking up and I realize that I'm talking to Stoicdad, and noone else) Where are you?

Stoicdad: I'm at Aunt Fizzy's.

Stoicmom: Wait a minute. I thought you were Sprout. You're not in the front room?

Stoicdad: Honey, I've been gone for an hour.

Stoicmom: Well stop calling here and sounding like Sprout. I thought you were Sprout. Don't call home when I'm half awake.

Stoicdad: I'm sorry.

Stoicmom: Now I'm depressed.

Stoicdad: Awwwwwwww.

The Brits Get It! Shoot-to-Kill

I've got to hand it to my British cousins...they sure know how to get a point across. All day yesterday after the 4 failed bombing attacks on their subways and buses, it had been suggested by most of the US news media that Scotland Yard had issued to it's officers a shoot-to-kill order for anyone believed to be attempting to set off a bomb. Well, today it's no longer a "suggestion". When a suspected bomber wearing a heavy coat (in the middle of July) ran from police, failed to heed their warnings, jumped a turn-stile and entered a subway train, he was caught and shot dead... just like in the old west.

I love it! Maybe the next terrorists (and yes...they are terrorists) will think twice before buying a ticket on the Allah Virgin Express. It is moments like this that put the "Great" in Great Britain. This is the proper way to deal with terrorists. No trials, no lawyers, no shrinks trying to understand why they hate us. Just "wham-bam, thank you ma'am". Done.

Bloody good show if you ask me.

"Ye Canna Change the Laws of Physics"

Today is a sad day. Scotty, as in "Beam Me Up, Scotty" is dead. I didn't know until today that this man, James Doohan, fought and was wounded on the shores of Normandy on D Day. Also didn't know that he considered William Shatner a camera hog. Who'da thunk?

Who's gonna beam us up now, Scotty?

Go with God, you good and faithful servant.

The "D" Word

Spoke to Sprout last night and he actually used the dreaded "D" word in my presence. Deployment to war! Nothing for sure, but rumors abound, things are happening. I guess my jaw-dropping silence irked him as he said "Mom...I'm in the Army". I know this is something I have to face but I don't have to face it happily. I'm not in the Army.

Gosh darn it!

My Granddaughter...The Bag Lady

My four-year-old granddaughter is a bag lady. She showed up at my house this evening with luggage...for a three hour visit. She cannot go from one room to the next without taking something...anything...with her. She reminds me a little bit of the Steve Martin character in that movie "The Jerk" where he is at the lowest point in his life and walks out saying "I don't need you...I don't need anything...except for this chair...and this paddle ball...and this ashtray" all the while gather those things as he goes. That is my little Gidget. I have visions of her 30 years from now living on the streets of New York, pushing a shopping cart filled with useless items like empty Coke bottles and old newspapers and used oil filters and any other street debris she can come up with. She really has a fascination with stuff. Who knows, maybe some day she will learn to juggle.

Soldiers! Listen Up! Don't Forget Your Armor

Mr. Jack Army has an eye opening video that was taken from a captured terrorist sniper in Iraq. Men, if there was ever a time to remember your mother's warning to "wear your galoshes", it is on that battlefield in Iraq. The soldier in this video is one smart cookie and one blessed soul. The audio of the snipers from this video will send shivers down your spine as they invoke the name of Allah.
Thanks to Blackfive for directing me there.

Carry on!

So So Funny

Thanks to CML for directing me to this funny, funny story about a ride in an F14 Tomcat fighter jet. If you need a laugh today, this is it.

Enjoy!

Dodging Bullets

Hurricane Dennis missed us but Tropical Depression Five is now out there looming. So goes summer life in a tropical paradise. Hey...that sounds like a song.

145 Mile Per Hour Winds!!! Farewell Cruel World

Well, this might be my last post for a while. Power outages should start in a few hours. Hurricane Dennis sits just off shore and (as Mammy told Scarlet in Gone With the Wind) "waiting...jes like a spider" We are boarded up and good to go.

Save a prayer for us.

IM'd At Work

Sprout has a new computer and internet access AND instant messaging. Today at work I got a strange pop-up on my computer screen saying that somebody with a screen name I did not recognize wanted to chat with me. Now normally, I just close those if I don't know the sender, which is what I did two days ago and found out later in an email from Sprout that it was him. Dang! So today, I was quick to accept the IM and sure enough, the first post said "hey mother". So, in the middle of a hectic day of preparing for a hurricane and making copies and backups and issuing equipment, I got to talk to my son in Korea. It was nice. He's a little worried about the storm that's coming. We'll be fine, I'm sure, but it was nice having him check up on us. I'll keep him posted on our situation. Less than a year ago, 2 weeks before he left for basic training, we had another hurricane and he kept stealing beer from the fridge and walking next door to his cousin's house in the middle of the storm. I didn't mind him stealing the beer (hey, if he's willing to fight for his country, I figure he can have a beer) but walking out into a hurricane didn't set well with me. Something to do with motherly protection I guess. Well, at least he wore a trash bag so he wouldn't get wet.

So tomorrow we batten hatches and fill the tub with water and make one last run to the store for more batteries and wait...and wait...and wait. Sort of like waiting for a root canal. You know it's gonna hurt, you just don't know how much.

To London...

We stand by you.