Thursday, February 21, 2008

Why Don't You Get A Haircut? You Look Like A Chrysanthemum

Sprout is doing good and the war goes on. Politics is heating up and keeping me occupied but still this month is just dragging on. I hope the time is moving fast for Sprout cause it sure is sitting still for me.

In the mean time, my sister sent me a list of some great insults from witty people who didn't need four-letter words to get their points across. Some of these are really good. Oh, that I were so witty.

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." ~English professor, Ohio University

"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." ~Edward Flaherty

"Her face was her chaperone." ~Rupert Hughes

Nancy Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."

"Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it." ~Mark Twain

"Beauty is a curse. You don't know how lucky you are" ~Anonymous

"He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him."
~Eddie Cantor

"I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight."
~Mark Twain

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."
~George Bernard Shaw

"He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code."
~Earl Wilson

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
~Winston Churchill

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
~Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
~Paul Keating

"I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere."
~Noël Coward

"It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey."
~Jeff Foxworthy

"She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin."
~Will Rogers

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
~Mark Twain

"Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum."
~P. G. Wodehouse

"Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one."
~W. C. Fields

"Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair."
~Josh Billing

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
~Abraham Lincoln (I doubt Lincoln really said this)

"He knows so little and knows it so fluently."
~Ellen Glasgow

"Useless as a pulled tooth."
~Mary Roberts Rinehart

"In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history."
~Spiro T. Agnew (about the press, 1970)

"This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force."
~Dorothy Parker

Monday, February 11, 2008

Awake in Iraq

I spoke to my soldier son last night...he was just a wee bit wired. He said he had just come off of a weird shift which had him working five different shifts in five days and his sleep-cycle was so messed up that he decided to make himself stay awake for most of his rare two days off. He had not slept in 30 hours and was keeping himself awake with energy drinks...he didn't want fall sleep for another 7 hours so that when he did sleep, he would be good and rested for his new schedule. From the speed at which he was talking, I'm thinking he's gonna be awake for a few more days.

I sure hope he was able to sleep when he finally wanted to sleep. I know these guys fear falling asleep on the job more than anything because it can not only endanger them, but even worse, it can endanger their buddies. Not to mention the fact that they can get into really big trouble if the brass catches them snoozing. On top of everything else a soldier must worry about while fighting a war, sleep or the lack thereof, should be the least of their troubles.

ArmyWifeToddlerMom has a post about her daughter waking up in the mornings bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with the "birdies" and it reminded me of a song my Mom used to sing to me and my brothers and sisters in the mornings when we were growing up. I sang it to both my boys when they were growing up. Hopefully, Sprout will sleep so well that he will need me to sing this song to him one more time:

The birds are up.
The bees are up.
The flowers are up.
The trees are up.
Why aren't you up?

Here's to a good night's sleep and a gentle war.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

I Die for Ty

I said a couple of posts back that this year might be a red-letter year for someone. Well, it already is a red-letter year for my aunt, my mother's youngest sister. All this week she has a front-porch view of Ty Pennington and his crew as they perform an "Extreme Make-over, Home Edition". They are in town to rebuild a home that was damaged during hurricane Katrina for a family with eight kids. It's a family of really nice people who do a lot of charity work and have just run upon some hard times since the hurricane. Anyway, the house is two-doors down from my aunt and she is having a ball watching all the excitement. She plans to sell tickets. They started working this past Saturday, tore down the old house on Sunday, and will have the new house finished by this Friday. My aunt is not in good health and gets out of breath real easy so the crew has been especially attentive to her. She offered up her driveway for them to park a couple of trailors and she has allowed trucks to back into her yard when they needed more space. The crew has provided her with a security guard stationed in front of her house for the duration.

I saw my aunt in the grocery store yesterday and asked if she had already had Ty Pennington over for coffee. She said no, but she promised to call me if he decides to drop by. With all of this going on in town, I find it surprising that none of the menfolk seem to have ever heard of Ty Pennington. Hmmmmm, they could all take a few lessons from him on "how to look good with a hammer".

Anyway, that's what is keeping my mind off of the war today...that and Mardi Gras and Super Tuesday. Yep, that should just about do it.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Bored In Iraq

This is just too cute not to share.