Thursday, February 21, 2008

Why Don't You Get A Haircut? You Look Like A Chrysanthemum

Sprout is doing good and the war goes on. Politics is heating up and keeping me occupied but still this month is just dragging on. I hope the time is moving fast for Sprout cause it sure is sitting still for me.

In the mean time, my sister sent me a list of some great insults from witty people who didn't need four-letter words to get their points across. Some of these are really good. Oh, that I were so witty.

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." ~English professor, Ohio University

"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." ~Edward Flaherty

"Her face was her chaperone." ~Rupert Hughes

Nancy Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."

"Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it." ~Mark Twain

"Beauty is a curse. You don't know how lucky you are" ~Anonymous

"He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him."
~Eddie Cantor

"I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight."
~Mark Twain

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."
~George Bernard Shaw

"He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code."
~Earl Wilson

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
~Winston Churchill

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
~Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
~Paul Keating

"I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere."
~Noël Coward

"It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey."
~Jeff Foxworthy

"She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin."
~Will Rogers

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
~Mark Twain

"Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum."
~P. G. Wodehouse

"Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one."
~W. C. Fields

"Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair."
~Josh Billing

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
~Abraham Lincoln (I doubt Lincoln really said this)

"He knows so little and knows it so fluently."
~Ellen Glasgow

"Useless as a pulled tooth."
~Mary Roberts Rinehart

"In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history."
~Spiro T. Agnew (about the press, 1970)

"This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force."
~Dorothy Parker

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