Tweaked Christmas Carols

A few years back, somebody on our family website suggested that we re-word some of the common Christmas carols. The results where really funny. So now, for you reading (singing) pleasure, The Stoic Family Christmas Songs:

A MARTHA STEWART CHRISTMAS
(Sung to the tune of White Christmas)

I'm dreaming up the right Christmas
I'm making wreaths and tying bows
I've made a topiary
Of Virgin Mary
A baby Jesus made of snow.

I'm dreaming up the right Christmas
I've painted each room red and green
And the lake, I've chosen
To have it frozen
The skaters must wear velveteen.

I'm dreaming up the right Christmas
I've hired carolers to sing
They may join us after
For food and laughter
As long as they don't touch a thing.

I'm dreaming up the right Christmas
It's very easy, watch and see
And I've even grown my own tree
Don't you wish that you could all be me?

SHOPPING WITH KIDS
(Sung to the tune of Carol of the Bells)

Leave that alone!
Please put it back!
I said let go!
I mean it , No!
Santa is watching and he is giving
All your gifts to poor little kids
I don't want to have to tell you one more time.

(Repeat First Verse)


THE FRUITCAKE SONG
(Sung to the tune of O Come All Ye Faithful)

I made you a fruitcake
Filled with chopped up cherries
And if you don't like them
You can spit them out

I put in spices, dates and nuts and raisins
Then added more stuff to it
Like transmission fluid
and pickles - that should do it
Here, have a bite.

I soaked it in brandy
Wine and kerosene
So don't strike a match near it
Or it will ignite

FEMA and ADEM found out that I made them
So now I must report who
I mailed all those cakes to
And ADEM will contact you
By Chr-ist-mas night.