Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Parenting Test

It's been years since I've had small children living in my house, but those are years you don't easily forget. Today I got this funny Parenting Test in my email. I especially like the Grocery Store Test. God bless all you young folks with little children. Be happy in the knowledge that it won't last forever and an empty nest is just waiting for you to come and take a nap. Enjoy!

You're not ready to be a parent unless you can pass the following tests:

Mess test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa & curtains. Now rub your hands in
a wet flower bed & rub on the walls. Cover the stains w/ crayons. Place a
fish stick behind the couch & leave it there all summer.

Toy test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you
may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
(this could wake the little ones at night).

Grocery store test: Borrow 1 or 2 sm goats & take them grocery shopping w/
you. Always keep them in sight & pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing test: Obtain 1 lrg, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a sm net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding test: Obtain a lrg plastic milk jug. Fill halfway w/ water. Tie jug
to ceiling fan blade. Turn fan on. Try to insert spoonfuls of oatmeal into
the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump
the contents of the jug on the floor

Night test: Fill a sm cloth bag w/ about 10 pounds of sand. Soak the bag in
warm water. At 8pm begin to waltz & hum w/ the bag until 9pm. Lay down your
bag & set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, & sing every song
you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more & sing these too until 4am.
Set alarm for 5am. Get up & make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look

Physical test: (women) Obtain a lrg beanbag chair & attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical test: (men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery
store & do the same. On the way home purchase a newspaper. Go home & read it
quietly for the last time.

Final assignment: Find a couple who already have a sm child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training,
& child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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